Responses To Really Terrible Theatre

How do theatregoers cope with suffering through really terrible theatre? Readers just put books back on a shelf if they dislike them. People walk out of movies all the time. But what do you do when you're stuck in a small, black-box theatre watching a performance so hapless that it makes you want to head for the door but you can't because, well, that would be rude?

I have a variety of coping mechanisms, the most important of which is to focus on drinking. If a show is really terrible, I just think about which bar I'd like to hit as soon as the curtain comes down. I figure out how I can get out of the theatre as quickly as possible and without being seen, how long it will take me to run to my chosen bar and what I'll order once I arrive. By the time I'm through working out the finer details of my post-performance drinking plan (sports pub, designer bar or wild west saloon? On the rocks or straight up?) more often than not, it's time to make a break for freedom.

Other strategies I'll employ during a show are to practice my yogic breathing techniques, stare at the ceiling and sit on my hands so I resist the temptation of slashing my wrists.

A friend of mine told me a funny story about her reaction to a terrible show she attended recently. She spent the entire first half of the three-hour torture session doodling. She didn't have any paper, so she drew all over both of her arms. By the time intermission came around, she was desperate to get out, but couldn't because she had friends in the show and to leave would have been exceedingly bad form. During the second half things got worse. She was forced to start in on her legs. By the time she staggered out of the theatre that night, she was tattooed like a sailor* (which included, I imagine, quite a few curses scrawled on her skin in ink.)

At the end of the day, laughter is the best anecdote for really bad theatre. Whatever you can do to make yourself smile or giggle hysterically is key to making it out alive.

*ASIDE: I wonder if sailors' tattoos are also a symptom of being trapped in unpleasant circumstances with no escape? Being shackled to an uncomfortable theatre seat and forced to endure a terrible performance might feel similar to being stuck out at sea on a ship for months on end.